How to get a girl
by Tomatoes
Summary: Enjoy all the trials and tribulations Alex encounters by following the rules to a manual on how to get a girlfriend. Mitchie/Alex Miley/Alex
1. Opening the book

**How to get a girl**

**Chapter one: Opening the book**

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"And this actually works? This book is supposed to actually get you girls? Harper, fuck off."

"Eh, sorry Alex. I wanted to get you something better but I forgot my money for the subway and had to improvise. So, I got you a handbook on how to get girls."

"I asked you to buy me a scientific calculator, Harper? In what world do you live in that you confuse 'calculator' with 'a handbook on how to get laid?'"

"Ok, ok. You caught me. I was actually going to get it for me. When I saw that I took the manual on how to get girls I decided to give it to you instead. I mean you an-"

"No."

"Oh, com-"

"No."

"Just give me the ticket and I'll return the damn book." Harper looks at me uneasy.

"You lost the ticket didn't you?" Harper nods and I smack the book into her face from a distance."

"How the hell am I going to pretend that I didn't just copy from you on the damn test? You don't even know how much I hate you right now."

"Oh, come on Alex it's not that bad. I mean it looks like a really good book and it's not like you even have a girlfriend right now."

"I need to pass Algebra 2, you hear me? I need to pass the damn class. Now I actually have to study the damn book. You know girls as dumb as you make me heterosexual." At this Harper pouts. "Stop with the damn Freddy Krueger face you dumbass."

"You know what? Whatever. This is the reason why Miley dumped your ass anyways." That bitch.

"You did not just say that."

"Yes, actually. I did just say that. This is the reason why Miley left you; because you you never actually showed her you cared for her, you are so rude and you ignored her in school. and believe me or not but even I know how to treat a girl a billion times better than you do. Maybe you need that manual more than you thought." Rushing out the door Harper 'trips' on my rug. "AND MAGIC IS WEIRD!"

Motherfucker. That's what she is; an evil motherfucker. how fucking dare she bring Miley up? She knows i prohibited the sole mention of her name around me. Why, you think?

Well let's start from scratch. Who really is Miley Ray Stewart? Well she is as a matter of fact the girl who convinced me that men and I are like water and crude oil. Black and white. I met Miley in the seventh grade in Spanish class. She had just transferred from Tennessee and instantly won my friendship.

Miley was honest, sweet, passionate, a great listener and a fun spontaneous loon. The girl could barely stand still for a few seconds she had billions of friends in only few days. I started liking Miley in the ninth grade. After having a big fight with my boyfriend I broke up with him. When she asked me if it was final I just laughed and said 'no.'

Tears streamed out of her eyes and she told me she had deep feelings for me. At the time I didn't know what to do and pushed her away when she kissed me. About two days later Miley started acting differently and got a 'boyfriend;' Oliver. It was actually all a plot to make me jealous.

I asked Miley to be my girlfriend and we dated for two years and three days. According to her looking at me solely was the worst mistake she's ever made. I am the worst girlfriend she's ever had and my favorite; 'you are the worst thing that's ever happened to the gay community.'

The reason we broke up is because I sometimes am very jealous. I can be a little bit possessive, I'll admit it. I just didn't know how to handle a girl like Miley who in reality is a great person but...I guess I'm just not made for her or something.

That must be it because I tried so hard to change my bitchiness for her but I guess I sucked at that too. Miley though now has a girlfriend; Lily. She's a nice girl really. I just can't like her. As much as I try I can't hate her either. She's just there. Miley has recently tried to talk to me.

Whether it's a simple 'hello,' or just a smile I always end up the same way; begging her to take me back. Imploring her to do so. 'I can change.' Miley only looks at me with those gorgeous blue eyes and stays shut. I'll spend hours crying and she'll tell me the same set of words.

'Come on, I'll take you home.'

* * *

This is the last time I fall asleep at three in the morning watching porn. Can I help it, though? The last time I got some was a LONG time ago. I miss Miley's touch so much. Dreams can only go so far and I always end up doing the same thing.

I walk in late for the fourth time this week. I spot Mitchie in her spot next to the back window. As always the only chair available is the one next to her. Not that I'm complaining at all ; the girl is simply gorgeous. Sure she might just be a little bit emo, but for some reason I only find that more attractive.

Harper on the other hand finds her creepy. She once went to her house and Mitchie literally said nothing while working on a project they had together.

Harper is too exaggerated though, and she swears she's funny. Mitchie turns my way and gives me a shy smile I grin back and she just turns back to her paper. What the fuck? What the hell was that? Jesus, if I weren't a girl myself I'd do some sort of evil plan to kill every single girl on earth.

Whatever, I'll just fail my damn test and that's it. When my test reaches my desk I immediately start bullshitting it. I'm the last to finish even though I'm not even trying to actually work on it because I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

"Ok, I'm, going to pass out report cards right now." Damn. Why do I always have to get grounded? Normally I wouldn't care but mom said she'd cut back my allowance and give me more chores. I can't take more chores!

I've never seen this report card. Ever.

As I stand up Mr. Williams stops me.

"Alex, this is the second quarter, and you have a 59.52 'D.' I recommend you actually trying to do your work in this class and going over the information won't kill you." I leave his classroom without saying a word. At least I have lunch to look forward to.

"Yeah...he is, isn't he?" I hear a familiar giggle. For the love of god, damn it. Miley is sitting with us again. She looks up and smiles. My bipolar side kicks in and rolls my eyes leaving her and the rest behind. I am not in the mood to stand with Miley's cute and adorable flirting.

Or whatever the hell it is. Every time she opens her mouth I think she's flirting. Gosh where the hell do I go now? I don't feel like talking to anyone. I'm supposed to be making up a bunch of tests. Well that's not going to happen.

The only place where I don't know anyone is the library because of the nerdy and freaky people that go there. From kids that still play Yugioh! To girls that wear makeup everywhere they have skin.

As soon as I walk in I see the different people. And I say 'different' because I don't want to call them loons or psycho motherfuckers. The only available table is occupied by…Mitchie? What the hell? See, girl _this_ is the reason people think she's kinda emo.

To me she's just hot. Who really cares what she does in her spare time right? Whether its fisting, scissors or cutting herself with a scissor she'll still look hot in my eyes. I walk towards her slowly. Emo girls must be so easy. All I'd have to do is tell her I cut myself too or something like that.

I sit next to her and she looks up from her notebook. Ugh, poems. She writes emo poems? Gross. Last time I tried to write a poem was so long ago. I think it went something like…

Roses are red

Violets are blue

I hate being a virgin.

I hate poems. And Mrs. Skiffington who gave me an 'F' for all my hard work.

I'm about to open my mouth when strides out of the library. She must have drank some sort of her laxative because I've never seen someone speed-walk so fast. Then I catch a glimpse of who makes her way to me. **Miley**. Fine then, I guess I'll just-

"Don't you dare move." I drop my bag. "Look, I know you know I dumped Lilly."

"Wha-" She did?

"And I know you think that now that we're over I'll get back with you." Ok…? "I know you have feelings for me and I won't blame you since we were together for a pretty long time and…" she presses her hand on her brow. "I kind of can't…I'm not over us, Alex, ok? I'm just really confused and you trying to get back with me and insisting isn't helping. I think it's about time we move on." What?

"We?"

"Ok, you Alex. I…I know this is coming a little bitchy but get over me, I want a break from it all, from you. I want us to just be like before we were together. I just want to be your **friend**. If these feelings for you just stay here I'll just get back together with y-"

"So wait. You're putting me on hold? On pause. Well _fuck me sideways_."

"See? See? You _Always _overreact. I can't tell yo-"

"Fine so you think you can call domino's pizza and be like; 'I want a cheese lover's, stuffed crust pizza with bacon and a sprite gallon but I'm not hungry right now. Whenever I feel like eating I'll go pick it up.'"

"It's not like that Alex. You make it sound like I'm using you which I'm _not. _And that example doesn't even make sense_."_

"What, of course not. Did I make it sound like that? I'm sorry." I whisper sarcastically. "I mean it's not like about two years ago cried in my room and told me you loved me made this psycho plan show me how much I loved you, made me prove it to you on your birthday even though I was scared only two humiliate me a few months later, accuse me of being a nervous wreck when you flirted with Lilly, my friend, After your cute little crush gave you the time of the day you destroyed me, Miley, broke my heart and dumped me like if I'm a piece of shit. Wait no, the whole damn cake of shit with doo-doo frosting and ca-ca sprinkles. I can't even get girls guess why? NOBODY WANTS TO EAT SHIT." The Yugioh! Cards are resting on the tables ignored.

"Wait, you're blaming me because you can't get girls? How the hell is that my fault? You know what, fuck it. I don't care if I really did make you look like shit, I want you to stop. And I mean it, shitcake." At this I'm about to throw a table at her when I see Mitchie's notebook. I pick it up and storm out of the library.

What's in this thing anyways. As if from a James bond movie I crawl out the library, book in hand and just when I'm about to enter the girl's room the bell rings. What the hell? That was so not an hour lunch. That was so not an hour lunch! I make my way to my third period. Two hours in Algebra two. I wish I was with the slow people and not have to take this class with a teacher who apparently woke up one morning and decided to take math as his major.

I fucking **hate** you Mr. Otero. One of the worst things about this class is that I have Miley in it. The odds of that, eh? Just when I'm in such a pissy mood I have a class with the biggest bitch in the world.

Miley who usually sits next to me still had the nerve to join our desks together.

"Look I'm sorry about that in the library."

"…" She taps her pencil on my hands in that cute way she did when I first met her.

Why can't this class be like a normal class where you actually do some work? We actually spend fifteen minutes of the class time doing work and then we spend the rest hour and forty-five minutes doing whatever we want. Whether it's sleeping or talking, or sleeping and then sleeping some more we could do whatever we want.

"I'm serious, Alex. Look, I'll make it up to you, k?" Unless this mean you laying in my bed naked then no thanks.

"…"

"How about some ice-cream?"

"You better get me about five cones." And there goes my self-control. Miley hugs me whilst I feel her smirk on my shoulder.

"That's ok with me."

* * *

I love the smell of cookie dough and vanilla. Creamy vanilla clumps on Miley's tongue I can see when she laughs. I haven't even said a word and the table shakes with her 'giggles.' If this rum raisin ice-cream wasn't so delicious I would stab her. That and the fact that I'm not armed right now.

"Can you stop being so serious?" I show her my teeth as if in the dentist. That's my fake smile. She rolls her eyes at this. No one ever believes it, except for my dentist. "I got you ice creeeam." She bites off the side of the cone and I look at where mine is supposed to be except that I already ate it. Damn. "I'll get you another one." She stands and I do too.

"No, I'm actually. I was just about to leave." She creases her brows.

"What? Alex. We've only--" I swiftly turn to leave for the door when my eyes lock on the person entering the scene. Mitchie. Before I can react I feel Miley's hands on my arm. Ow, bitch. I'm dragged back to the table while I fixate on Mitchie behind the counter. On the other hand, the girl barely showed any emotion when she saw me. "You're staying here, Alex."

"Fine, but I want another damn ice-cream." He hands me her card and I gladly think of buying me an outrageous Sundae. I look up to see Mitchie in an apron.

"Welcome to baskin-- What do you want?" I flinch.

"Uh, one outrageous sundae, plea--"

"You're number 30." She rushes and I look around.

"uh, there's only five people in here." I smile and her face stay frozen.

"Please take a seat." I nod, making my way back to Miley. Well, she is _so_ not into me. Oh, right her diary. Let me go return it.

I turn around and I'm knocked off my spirits with a glare. That rude bitch. Well, you know what know I'm not giving it back. _And _I'm going to read it. Well, I was anyways, but now I'll…read it twice.

"Nice service here, eh?" I chuckle and this time she the indifferent one. That damn Mitchie. I mean it's not like she's _that _hot.

* * *

Don't ask me how she even got this far. Don't even try and ask how she convinced me to let her in. But she did. I try to make my muscles move but they go in the wrong direction. _To her ass. _

I feel her smile against my lips and my eyes go backwards. Her teeth rubbing back and forth on my bottom lip tantalizing.

"Is your mother coming anything soon?" I shake my head.

"Aunt Clarice…weekend…shopp--" I stop my incoherent blabbing when I feel Miley's hands on my private skin. Seconds later her fingers cave inside me.

I remember Sundays at church…

'_Sex before marriage is such an insult to our families that it should be ILLEGAL.' _

Now I understand why he said this. It think it's because of the feeling at the pit of your stomach you get when you wake up after giving yourself to the person you love and you discover she isn't there. That for the past 2 and a half minute you've been molesting your pillow.

Maybe I should start believing in what pastor Ramon believed. Well if you leave out the molesting the nuns at church part. Or maybe it's something else, someone else I need to make me feel or _not _make me feel what I do for Miley. She obviously is using me. Like someone uses an orange squeezing all of its juices and throwing the rest on the trash bin. I want my juices back!

I stumble out of my bed and slam my face on the floor. Look who left their underwear here. Miley Stewart. I turn to the clock and see it's 10:55. Shit. I am so late for school. Shit.

What kind of mother do I ha-- Oh right, she's out with Aunt Clarice. That bitch. Dad is probably still sleeping.

I'm out of the house in five. I barely brushed my teeth. Took a cold one minute shower and put on a plain v-neck with some skinnies. I remember that I have absolutely no gas money and slap myself on the face. Opening my car I try to find some money for the subway. Shit I'm so late!

"Damn, where's my money?" I run my hand through my hair, annoyed. Bending down I hear the honking of a horn. I lift my head up to find a young brunette male smirking towards my direction.

I smile even wider than the boy and sprint towards him. Nate is one of those guy friends who you truly love. I could spend every living second with his guy and I know he'd never leave me.

"What are you doing here? Don't you have school or something?' I give him a confused smiled.

"Aren't _you _also supposed to be in school? Oh and I woke up late." He signals me to get closer to the car. I run around the vehicle and climb in. He hands me a bag of McDonalds. I almost faint. I am _so _hungry.

"I love you." I squeal and wrap my arms around his torso. "How did you know I was here though?" I ask peeking in the bag.

"Pfft, there is no way that you'll wake up early on a Saturday."

"What?" Saturday? Shit! I forgot to turn off my alarm last night. This is the second time this happens. "Bull crap." I let my head fall against the headboard.

"Heh, can I come in? I don't really feel like going out. It's only…11. On the dot." I nod and he parks in the garage.

I force Nate to carry me up the stairs and leave me on my bed.

"I _hate _waking up early. Why are you up?" He yawns and drops on the bed.

"Went to sleep at six yesterday. Woke up an hour ago." I unwrap my Sausage McMuffin and destroy half of it. "Calm down there Godzilla. You know I got you like four of those. I know your Saturday appetite."

"I only see one." How dare he lie to me with food? He knows how delicate I am when it comes to my Saturday appetite.

"Oh, well I left the other bags in the car. I had to carry your obese ass." I crawl inside my sheets ignoring his comment. He leaves out of the room and I feel something against my right leg. Pulling it out I notice that it's that book Harper ripped me off with.

"How to get a girl." I snarl and flip through the book stopping at a random page.

_Don't always do what you think women expect. A bunch of flowers is nice but too often is 'old hat' these days._

"I'll give that bitch a piece of gum." Is this a joke book or a dating book? I keep on reading searching for some more punch lines.

_You're probably thinking " I'll give her something alright." My response to this is. This is the reason you're looking at this book in the first place, loser. _

What kind of book is this is in the first place?

"Got 'em…woah. You can read?" I flick him off and steal the bag from him.

"Handbook on how to get a girl. What the fuck?" Nate giggles in the girliest way. "What's wrong with you? If you needed help you would have asked the master."

"For your information, I didn't buy this. Harper did. Beside, it's kinda funny. " Nate takes the book from me and starts impersonating Dr. Phil.

"Chapter one: Meeting the bitch." My eyes open large. God, I may just keep this. I sit next to Nate scanning the book.

_I know you skipped the introduction, asshole, so I'll repeat again. My name you don't need to have. All you need are my techniques because obviously your lame moves aren't working on the bitch of your dreams. _

"It's like he's talking to me."

_If you really want to get her then you'll do what ever the hell you read in this manual. Even if it says to stab your mother, you shall do so. But unless she owes me money I won't ask such a thing. _

_Let's move on. Meeting the bitch. Let's just call this girl you're crushing on…Cassie. Beautiful Cassie. I suppose you really like her tits or something I mean I would never read this book. Anyways before I give you any advice let me just clear things up. Cassie is a bitch. All Cassie's are bipolar bitches. But Cassie has something you want and you'll get it god damn it. _

_The first step to Dating Cassie is getting to know Cassie. If you already know her then you are lame. Why aren't you between her legs already? That was a joke. Let's suppose Cassie doesn't know you exist. That is a problem. You have to advertise yourself like a fucking Pepsi, bitch. First thing you do when you see Cassie you are going to go up to her and make her buy your damn soft drink. _

_This is how you're going to do it. _

_Step 1: Make friends with Cassie's friend. ( If she doesn't have any then that's even better) You can directly start to advertise. _

_Step 2: When I mean advertise I mean ADVERTISE. How are you going to advertise looking like shit? Don't try too hard though. If you normally look like shit then she'll know you're into her. You don't want her to directly know you're into her. It's kind of like Wal-Mart versus a popup. Who actually buys anything from popup? Those annoying little things that just come out of nowhere when you're watching bootleg porn. Whenever someone want something he'll just go to Wal-Mart and get it people just ignore pop-ups. They are obtrusive and annoying. Also, women are confusing so the only way to get thought them is by confusing them too. Don't show her you like her so much. _

_4. Find a way for her to talk to you. For HER to talk to YOU. Whether its emptying her tires only to help her repair them later…make her need you._

"Pfft, this book is shit." Nate rips the thing from my hand. I want cake. Birthday cake.

"Actually, it's kinda smart. _Rude…_but smart. It's not like you aren't rude in the first place." I face the boy.

"See giving people glares is rude. Whatever, I need a laugh once in a while…I'll take it." I laugh obnoxiously.

"Yeah right, ho. That piece of tree cost me money. I'm selling that to Justin."

"He's probably got a chemical formula to attract women, he won't buy your book." I roll my eyes and yawn. My body knows it needs to be napping right now. "S'okay dude. I'm kinda sleepy too." Nate turns over to his side and drifts off to sleep faster than I do.

* * *

I wake up to giggles. Momentarily there would be a "Hush, she's gonna wake up," but the command would only be ignored. I hold on to my pillow hanging by a thread to my sleep but holding strong. I make all types of efforts but I finally give up.

"What the fuuuuuuck." I moan out rising my body to a sitting position. My eyes feel heavy but I know it won't sleep further.

"Shut up you 'annoying piece of heaven.'"

"What? Nate if you are waking me up to play me one of those corny ass songs that guitar will find it's way to the _inside _of your testicles."

"Relax, Alex. Or should I say Allie?" Justin always kills all of the jokes even if it wasn't funny. He always ruins it.

"Why are you calling me that?" I snatch the opened notebook from his grip. And he played baseball. He can't even throw out the garbage past seven. "what the hell is this?"

The notebook is a normal cow-stained cover with a less than average quality paper. _Mitchie Torres. _Oh, this is Mitchie's journal. What kind of embarrassing stuff does she have here? I flip trough the paper unceremoniously.

_Why does no one understand what Mr. Otero is talking about? It's not even the language barrier. I'm fluent in Italian, Spanish and English. He just doesn't know how to teach. LOLx, Alex is like "Well here we are…__**trying **__to learn again. Failing miserably." She can be so obnoxious sometimes and I hate that. Why can't she just shut up??? She's always costing us extra homework which she doesn't do anyway. _

"This is what's so funny? We all knew she doesn't like me, that ho." I try to put the notebook on the bed when Justin hands it back to me.

"Or did we?"

_Cheating? What the hell is wrong with Alex? Why would she cheat off of Harper? That girl could wear a whole dress made of calculators and she still wouldn't know what 'pi _' _is. I can't imagine how dumb _she_ is. I don't want to imagine. I guess you can' t change her. Either you like her the way she is or you don't like her at all. _

_I prefer to do both. I like her. I don't like her. When she's far away, hanging with her friends I only think about her. I think of those tight skinnies and the plain v-neck. Her lips munching on her pen while she drifts away listening to her mp3 player. Yet, when she's next to me I feel like grabbing her face and use her as a plunger at a 7-eleven . _

"What the hell?" What the hell is wrong with her? "I know I'm not the most pleasant person in the world but…a plunger?"

"You're totally missing the whole point. She's crushing on you, dumbass."

"Why else would she dedicate an entire page to you? Trust me _I _never did that." He truly never was a romantic guy.

"Nate…she does _not _like me. You should see how she looks at me. At lunch I went to sit with her and she literally stormed off. She wants to use me as a plunger!" I use my hands as emphasis making all sorts of radical movements.

"'I like her, I don't like her.' Nick tries to make a deep emo voice imitating Mitchie. "See she just confessed that she _likes _you. She just hates you too."

"What the hell am I supposed to do? Toss a damn coin?" I personally don't want to go begging her to go out with me. I already have Miley eating my brains out. I don't want another girl thinking she can do what she wants with me.

"Actually," Nate holds the book as if it were some glorious instrument. "I think…we should try and test this thing out. What could we loose?"

* * *

**You know what is sooooo funny? I have to finish a lot of stories but reviews, whether you like it or not is what keeps my updates so review, review anonymously and tell your friends. I'll update faster. I'll promise I'll work on it everyday. I really like this story. **


	2. Why to use the book

**Chapter 2: Why to use the book**

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"My _dignity._ That is just one of the things that I'll lose."

"Who gives a shit about dignity when you're getting laid." Typical Nate comment.

"I don't know what I was thinking when I dated you Nate. You're an ass."

"I don't think it matters anyways. You did dump me for dean." Yeah, I don't know what was going through my mind at the time. I hope that de didn't feel offended or anything. I lay my head on his shoulder.

"FYI, you're better at making out than he is. I don't know what it is he did." Let's not even start about the garlic breath.

"Pfft, I am the best kisser ever. I taught _you _all you know." I was about twelve or so. What in the world do you know at twelve?

"I forgot to thank you for that."

"I think you're forgetting I'm here. I really didn't need to know that." I grin towards Justin. As a perfect opportunity to annoy him I dart my tongue towards Nate and wiggle it. "Groooss." He holds a pillow up to face pretending to puke.

"Hey, Miley got me that for my birthday." What a cheap ass gift.

"Who gives someone a _pillow _for their birthday?" Nate throws his head on my lap and giggles.

"Getting back to our _real _conversation. You're not using the book?"

"Justin, drop the topic. No."

"Hey. Justin is right stop changing the topic and give me an answer. Why won't you use the book?" Nate smile looking up at me.

"I don't need the book, Alex. I could get you right now if I wanted." I scoff and reach for Mitchie's notebook.

"I should return this t--" Nate snatches it from my hand.

"Are you loco? If you give it back to her she'll know you read it. Think, Alex." I'm not going to lie, he does have a point. "See that's your problem. You do things without thinking at all. You love being this free indomitable person and you mess up. Miley didn't dump you because she doesn't love you, she dumped you because you're guided by your instinct and you don't think at all."

"It always ends up with Miley doesn't it? We were talking about a damn book."

"You always change the topic when it gets to something you can't handle."

"I can't handle Miley? Is that what you think? Obviously you're _wrong _if we dated for like…three years." Was it three years? I push Nate off my lap and climb off the bed.

"That's only because she didn't know how to break up with you. She was always trying to break up with you." What kind of friend is he? I can't seem to understand where he is getting at. First he brings Miley up and then breaks me with this new piece of information. Nice.

"Really, since when?"

"Nate, just stop." Justin tries and Nate ignores him.

"A long time, Alex. She always talked about how jealous you were and possessive. Sometimes you ignored her and when she didn't want to be with you, you got all needy." How the hell was I supposed to guess that she wasn't in the mood.

"She really said that?" Nate nods and I stand from my bed only to be pulled again.

"Where are you going?" I try to free myself from the boy unsuccessfully.

"I'm going to beat the crap out of her. Let go." I will kick his nuts if he doesn't let go first.

"Stop being so biased. It wasn't only Miley who did something wrong in your relationship. She really did love you. You just fucked up and she got over you."

"How the hell did she love me when she cheated on me? Tell me how that makes sense to you because to me it just doesn't." I keep on struggling to free myself.

"I just want to go and get a drink."

"Yeah, right. I'll go and get you some Kool-aid myself." I smile to myself. I had spiked the Kool-aid in the fridge to play a prank on Justin and his girlfriend who were supposed to have a date today. I hope there's some left for him and Juliet to drink anyways.

* * *

"Give me.' I whined. I guess no one is as dumb as I thought. Or maybe Nate needs to stop taking sips out of my kool-aid.

"Alex I can't believed you spiked up the kool-aid."

"Juliet and I were going to drink some of that. Do you have any idea of what could have happened?" Justin points and accusing finger at me and I throw my head back laughing.

"Yes, you finally would have nailed her." At least Nate giggled at the joke. Seriously what is wrong with his girly giggles? It's like a five-year old girl.

"That is not funny, Alex. I'm telling mom as soon as she gets home from Aunt Clarice's."

"See, I'm trying to help you out with your girl and you pay me by snitching?"

"If I needed help I'd read your book."

"Ugh, no more talking of the book, already…or Miley. Just leave me alone." My body drops on my bed on something hard. Oh, that's the porn cassettes I stole from grandpa. Shit. I thought I hid those…in a better place than under my sheets.

"Alex…" Justin starts and sits next to me on top of some of the vcr's . Crap. "Your bed is so stiff." He makes a face while he tries to make himself feels comfy.

"Uh…blame it on dad. He's the one that's always trying to fix things." he gives me a weird look.

"What? Dad didn't try to fix your bed, you barely let anyone in here."

"That reminds me. OUT!"

"You heard her--"

"You too!" I push Nate out the door and he puts a little resistance.

"What did I do?" I press the door against him.

"Leave me alone!" I can't believe I spent almost a whole day reading a book and thinking about Miley. This has to be the worst Saturday ever. At least I still have some of that tequila I stole from dad on Cinco de Mayo. Man, I love being Mexican.

I take the cap off and leave it laying on the floor. It's not like I'm going to need it, I'm drinking the rest of this bottle alone.

"Alex, open this door right now."

"No, Ma'am. I'm lovesick so I'm about to drink and watch 1990's porn, haha." I giggle to myself. This is going to be one heck of a Saturday." I smile to myself as I insert the tape in the TV without letting go of the bottle.

"What?" Shut up! Gosh, I'll turn on the surround sound. Clutching the remote I smile and turn the volume to max. Looks like grandpa forgot to rewind the tape. Damn, it.

"Alex, damn it. You have porn? You mother--"

I turn my attention to the medium-sized HD plasma TV in front of me. A funny little fellow in a large Mexican hat is wearing tight jeans bathing in the sun. The loud sounds of a tropical scenery drowns Justin and Nate's yelling.

"Excuse me, sir. Is there a restaurant nearby? My friend and I are starving." The guy takes off his hat showing a soft tan and a huge smirk.

"Of course, mamacitas. I take you to the Pechanga."

"I'll take Mitchie to _my _Pechanga. She can have an all-expenses paid buffet." With no one to laugh I decide to strip my bed and cover myself. I take a long sip from the tequila and regret it as it leaves a burn on the back of my tongue.

"Oh, is this the Taco Bell?" Man this is the worse acting ever. Let me not even start on the quality of the video. I am to tired to plug in my laptop. That thing has no battery.

"No mamacita pero I got a mega burrito for you." Damn this tequila must be working fast, I got another bad joke coming up.

"I got a taco for you, Mitchie. Chicano style. I don't know what that means but…" I stuff my face with the bottle playing with the opening. Looking back at the TV I see the girls making over-exaggerated faces at the guy's crotch.

* * *

Oh god this is lame. "I want lesbian porn…or sex. Damn it Mitchie you taco-hater." mages of Miley punch me in the face as I feel a little tipsy. Switching the porn off I look at the pillow Miley gave me. "You always wanted to break up with me, huh? Here I was, thoughting that you and me back." Is thoughting a word? Oh, who gives a shit? "You fucking liar. All you want to do is play with my brain." I graps the pillow Miley gave me and smash it on my lips. "Hah! There you go. I made out with someone else! What now, Miley?" I throw my hands in the air feigning a ghetto alter ego.

"Crap, Miley. Just be my damn girlfriend again."

"…" Of course what do I expect from a pillow full of spit and tequila?

"I know what I'm going to do. I'll sing her a song. She always gave me everything I wanted when I told her I'd sing. She must really love my singing." rising with a new sense of triumph in my head I decide to sneak out the window. Dad'll probably be home in a few minutes and I like to climb down trees, anyways. Makes me feel sexy. As soon as the violent whispers of the night knock against my face I climb on the branch. I push myself backwards a little bit angling my leg for the lower branch. Before I know it I miss the branch and land perfectly on the grass.

"Yeah, man I kick ass. This substation has _nothing_ on me." I speed-walk towards Miley's house which is not so close to mine. About a quarter of a mile really, but when you're a little tipsy like I am and you seem to trip over everything it seems a thousand miles away.

Making it to the mahogany door I press my clear-polished nail against the door-bell lingering on it for a while.

"Open the damn doooor, gah!" I mutter a little drowsy. Ay, mi Madre they better open this puta door. And why the hell am I thinking like a Chicano?

"Who the hell--Alex?" I cringe back a little bit.

"Hola senora. Miley esta?" Tiffany scrunches up her brows a bit and then smiles stroking my arm.

"I'm glad you're finally learning Spanish, Alex but you know I have no idea what you just said." I scratch the back of my head a little absent for words. Well, then maybe I am a little drunk. Heh, no harm in that.

"Where's Miley, senorita." Tiff, claps her hands, enthusiastic.

"See, I told you that in time you would acquire the _Chicano_ accent." Idiota. "Anyways, Miley's at Baskin robbins with that girl. Lilly. Oh, I don't see what she finds in that little blondie. She is so _dry._"

"Si, es un pe--" I flip when I hear a honk and almost hump, la senorita, Tiffany. My, _estupido_ amigo, Nate is calling me.

"Ay, dios, gracias Tiff." She smiles and makes her way back to the house. I walk slowly to the car watching my step. As I open the door to the car a knuckle meets my left arm. "Putisima madre!"

"What was tha--Alex are you speaking Spanish? You're drunk aren't you?" He slams his hand on the rueda.

"No estoy boracha, dumbass." He looks at me uneasy.

"I'm taking you home, Alex. You're-- how do you not let me watch some porn too? You're the worst best-friend."

"Ay, puto. I'll make it up to you." He looks at me a little indignant.

"Mentirosa." I am not a liar.

"Es--wait a minute. You have such a _gringo _accent."

"What are you talking about, _mija. _I rolls my r's perfectly."

"Nah, you're pathetic." He glares at me playfully.

"Tu. Eres. Ridicula." Fail.

"You have to _roll _your tongue. Roll it!" He sticks out his tongue and sends wads of spits everywhere.

"Roll it, puta."

"I can't." Patetico.

"Just imagine a big fat clit in front of you and roll that bitch!"

"Wha--" The clatter of metal hits our eardrums before Nate can finish his sentence. "Puta. Madre."

I open the door to see Nate's car against a parked Toyota.

"On the bright side. You did roll your 'R' that time. Felicitaciones!" I envelope the boy and he's muttering something, I don't know in what language it is but I know it's not good. I turn around scared and something unpleasant fills my vision.


	3. Leopards don't change their spots

**Leopards don't change their spots**

**How to get a girl**

**

* * *

**

"The only thing I'm going to roll is- Alex, come back here." Esa prostituta. She doesn't even wait for un dia. She goes around with that Lilly. Nate pulls me back before I can make it in.

"Let's just get an ice-cream, Nate, k?" It's not like the accidente was that malo. "I'll buy you a Sundae." He lets off a girly shriek and walks inside the packed Baskin Robbins. Nate barely registers Miley's presence and struts towards the line. Him and sundaes, man. I think he'd rather eat a Sunday than nail a chica any dia. I'll just do both.

What is Mitchie-Oh yeah. She works here. What is she doing here so _tarde? _Ooh and she looks like she could use some Alex in her life. I mean look at her miserable face while she tends to the customers. Lazily pushing the buttons like a damn robot. "A very sexy robot that's I'd love to screw."

"What?" Nate drew his face from the glass holding a giggle at my tipsy antics. "Talking about Mitchie, eh? Man I sure would like to mess with her motherboard, if you know what I'm saying." He elbows my ribs.

Noticing that Nate and I were next I smile smugly towards Mitchie. "Why hello there beautiful-"

"What would you like today?" Oh heck no you little…Prostituta!

"Can I get the Reese's peanut butter Sundae? Extra sprinkles, please."

"Right, that's three dollars and fourteen cents. Anything else?"

"What would a beautiful lady like you recommend?" Swiftly remove my bangs to the side and smirk like my momma showed me. That is how you truly get a girl.

"A vanilla cone." Mitchie's eyes darken and her brow knot together. Oh god, no. Not the glare. No me gusta! I think I get the idea, babe. You're just playing hard to get.

Without so much as blinking Mitchie processes our order.

"Four dollars and thirty five cents."

"…" What the hell is she looking at?

"…"

"…"

"Um, Nate. Four dollars and thirty five cents." Estupido is so slow at times.

"I don't have my wallet. I thought you were going to pay." Motherbreeder.

"Is there a pro-"

"Bitch, shut the fuck up." Toma aire. In, out. In, out. "Nate, give her the money. I'm not kidding with you." Nate glares at me and rakes his hair.

"I'm not a fucking clown, Alex. I'm _not _kidding."

"Oh, you're not kidding? Me estas…you little bitch cough up the money." I grab him by the pants annoyed.

"Do I look like a fucking ATM to you?" He lets go of my grasp and pushes me towards the counter. "Oh yeah. Just rub my fucking balls and I'll ejaculate dollar bills."

"More like quarte-"

"It's on the house! Just. It's on the house." She reaches for the cones.

"I wanted a sundae, actually." A little disoriented she walks away to the back of the store and I give Nate a mischievous look.

"That was easy." Nate lets out chuckling.

"Si. Too bad I only get so whack-ass cone."

"I know. I mean I get this badass sundae. I almost feel bad for you." Nate lovingly kisses the picture of the sundae when Mitchie approaches us.

"Hey, buddy! Ok. First you don't' come with money and now you embarrass me? Really?"

"Why couldn't you bring any cash, eh? Why do I have to bring the money? Do I look like a AT-"

"Here! Here's your ice-cream" She hands us our ice-cream. We take it from her hand immediately.

"Aw. Muchas Gracias, Mitchie."

"I don't' speak-"

"I know she's so nice. Isn't she so nice Alex?" Nate looks at me with a completely different face.

"Claro que si, mamacita. Deliciosa. Te Amo. Bonita."

"Ok! You're welcome. Really." We walk slowly to a table. I make sure it's close to her and that I can see that sexy mamacita from here.

"Oh, god. Alex."

"Bitch, eat your ice-cream." Who talks with food in their boca?

"Alex, look to your right." I oblige and see Miley staring at me while Lilly is doing some crap to her neck.

I Try to not make eye-contact with that prostituta, because we all know what a simple look from her has made me do.

"Subtle is _not _her middle name." Nate takes a huge spoonful of the substance to his mouth.

"I know. As if I'm not horny already."

"Don't tell me that. You know that disease spreads around easily." I kick him in the shin and roll my eyes.

"Is Miley still looking at me?" Nate nods and I grin.

"Wait right here, Nate. This girl right here is going to get herself some body heat, puto"


	4. Surrender thy lips

**Surrender thy lips**

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* * *

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_Your girl is a bitch _

The first thing about why girls are bitches is because they think we are asses. This is how a girl sees something.

Girl: He captured my lips in a world shattering kiss.

Reality: Bitch, I didn't capture your lips. I'm not a rich Spaniard and your lips aren't a poor deserted island. "ha! Surrender thy lips or face the consequences!"

Girls can be really weird and dumb some times. How could they not be? I mean being born only to have something going in and out of your vagina? Whether it's penises or babies and who knows even the pleasure-nator 3000, a girl can feel like she owns her own little hotel. Therefore the mean (smart) girl will be picky about her guests.

Another reason why girls can be real confusing; Kourtney and Khloe take Miami. What in the fritanga world is wrong with Khloe? I mean dump Scott already! Khloe you are the reason girls can be so freakin' picky. Shit. every girl is scared to death we might be a bastard like Scott. I swear if you don't dump him by the end of the season, I'll kill myself.

* * *

"Does that work for lesbian though? I mean you- ow!" Oh come on, it's not like an icepack could do any more damage to his brain.

"Shut up! You're making my migraine worse." Nate stares intently at me. Or so I think. It's not like I can see that much from my left eye on a normal basis, much less with a purple eye.

"I'm glad Miley punched the crap out of you yesterday, bitch."

"Shut up, I can't read with your annoying voice."

"Does this book just have a list of what to do in the back?" I can barely see anything so why not wear shades to school anyways?

"Are you done with my clothes? We have ten minutes left, damn it!"

"More like twenty minutes, Ms. 20/20." He throws the clothes at me, a sneaker hitting my kneecap."

"I'm disabled already." I don't even care to look at the outfit but Nate has a better taste that I do. It'll do. "Can you help me with my bra?"

"Depends…can I cope a feel?"

"I'll owe you one later, Miley's picking us up, 'member?" The boy groans.

"She better get me some kick-ass shit for breaking my nose." He finally snaps my bra together and starts to slide the opening of the polo through my head.

"Ow! Stop talking about friggin' shoes"

"Blame your bed-head.. And it's not my fault your ex has really bad aim. She owes me. "

"Why are we matching? I mean we look hot, but why are we matching?"

"I love you in that skirt, lately you wear nothing but skinnies." Pervert.

"True."

"Turn around…." I do so and get a sexual glance from Nate that by now means nothing. I mean the guy has seen me naked too many times. "K, so are we getting revenge on Miley, Acting like friends, getting her back and doing a quick little threeso-"

"No."

"I'm just throwing options, wait. No to what? Acting like friends, I knew it. Who has friends these days? I'll need to borrow some condoms though." Could the kid be less of a pervert?

"Ugh, screw you. There's no form of entertainment here."

"Well, if stuffing a big fat dick in your mouth is entertainment, then entertain me." I bet he thinks that was so clever.

"So you want me to stuff a big, fat dick down your mouth?"

"What?"

"Well is stuffing a dick down someone's throat is entertainment and you want to be entertain my conclusion is that you must want someone to stuff their big, fat dick down your throat." Step away from the pot because you're getting burned, Nate.

"Bitch." Nate leaps over my bed on top of my torso. "I see you like to talk crap, Alex." All I need to see is him crossing his arms as his legs still hold me captive to know where this is going. See, normal friends just get angry but not Nate and I. We're anything but ordinary.

"I don't talk crap. I step on it." Chuckling to himself Nate springs off my body and onto the hallway. It's a little obvious to know where he's going.

I would make an effort to run away if it weren't from my bruises. I really don't feel like moving an inch from this bed. Next time I get a girlfriend I'll make sure she has a bit of precision. In little words, Mitchie better know where to punch.

I understand that Miley would miss Mitchie one time, two even. I don't understand how _I _get a black eye, tons of bruises and a permanent hole in the box that contains my self-esteem while Mitchie only got a little spook. I will never drink again.

Nate finally comes back with a tantalizing grin. And I say tantalizing because it's _tantalizing _not to smack him right across his face. He knows I owe him and I of course can't say no to his request.

"Let's see what else that mouth is good for." Nate hands me a bottle of Mouthwash and sit up in my bed.

We both know I'm a little hesitant to do this due to my last defeat. I lost a hundred dollars, man. Let me not think about that, I don't want to cry again.

"How much are we betting?" Please don't be money, I do have a girl to fucking woo.

"Just want to remind you who's the king." But what if I loose again. I barely win, anyway.

"You mean Alex Russo? There's nothing to recall. I _know _so." I'm so going to loose.

He hands my mouthwash after taking a gulp and testing the waters I dip my tongue. Piqued at my slowness Nate points at my mouth. I get it! I take a gulp and of course the culmination is completely different than from the beginning. At first you barely feel anything but a pleasant minty flavor.

What to do? What to do when you can't talk? I lay on my bed and look up at the popcorn ceiling. Who came up with that term? Did someone actually glue popcorn to the ceiling and paint over it? Oh gosh I have nothing to do. Where's that damn book?

* * *

_Starting a conversation with a bitchy girl:_

When trying to settle down for a while, which is what I assume you're doing, (when you're trying to get laid you _do _have to buckle down for at least a day,) some men assume that all women want to talk. Although it might be mostly true_ remember _you don't want a normal girl you're heading for the bitchy one. The one whose legs you would love to have wrapped around you at midnight.

You have to be the first to initiate a conversation, that's a given, even if she has nothing to say. She may be wanting to talk to you and just have nothing to say. Why should she talk to you when she doesn't have a reason to do so? Don't just randomly sit next to her and so something stupid like:

You: Hey Susan!

Susan: Oh hi B-"

You: Oh wait a moment I have something to tell you.

Susan: Oh…

You: I found you on FaceBook last night, my tongue is asking you for a friend request.

This doesn't work in real life, guys. Her hand will become a fan of your face. You have to work on not making it obvious that you haven't gotten some in a while. Play it cool. You _got _this. If not please check out my new book coming in December…"How to Deal with Being Single for the Rest of Your 'Life.'"

Just kidding. Don't close the book! Let's continue. If you feel that talking to a girl is the only way to get her interested in you the you must accept that sometimes she will try to bite your head off. Don't freak out. A male mantis gets laid and then gets his head cut off. See? That's so much worse, unless you're dating a cannibal.

When your pretty girl is available do most of the talking. In fact pry her from most of the talking. Appreciation and consideration will make her listen more. Keep her close by telling her how much you like her being with you but do _not _make yourself look like a creep. Remember, TEAM JACOB! No one wants the creepy pale vampire when you can have an eight-pack at your disposal. Although Jacob was kind of a creep too; however, nothing beats Edward watching you sleep. I've had nightmares.

* * *

Crap, that's Miley horn. Nate lifts off the bed and rushes towards the front door. Normally I would rush with him because I have to be in the car seat but after getting beat the fuck up I think I'll sit in the back.

Besides I got to think what I'm going to talk to Mitchie about. Hold on tight baby, your Jacob is on her way.

**Hey guys hope you're having a wonderful day. I've been very positive. This was going to be longer but who really wants to wait? Hope you enjoyed! I know you guys will leave me a lot of nice reviews. **


	5. Don't say Africa

**Don't say Africa**

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"Shit! Oh my god, Alex! I'm _so _sorry." Miley's pitiful glance is not a perfect way to start my morning. If this is the way she looks at me I don't even want to be close to Mitchie. Will she internally laugh at this atrocious grape-colored bruise on my face? That bitch!

This is all Miley's fault. I try to glare at her but the pain coming from inside my mouth hurts more than my dignity. If there _is _any left.

"It's just…that bitch can _move." _My mouth! My fucking mouth! Damn Nate and his fucking games. I can't even be mad at Miley. Who cares about winning this game if it means I won't get to use it afterwards? How the hell will I eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches? Worse than that, how am I to eat a girl out? Even worse than _that _how in the world am I going to eat pudding. What the hell is a world without pudding? I'd rather starve.

"FUCK!" I swallowed. I slam my head against my hands as my throat burns. "Nate you fucking ass…"

Nate smirks as I stir in the passenger seat. "You really don't learn right? This is the third time this happens and you still-"

"I don't need your opinion, Miley. Believe it or not I can take care of myself."

"Just put your seatbelt on, Alex."

"Or what? You'll hit my good eye?" I turn my good eye towards her. "There it is, Chris Brown."

"Alex, I'm not leaving until you put your seatbelt on."

We get to school and Nate still has the liquid in his mouth. Jesus, how does he do it? We both know he's already won but he just wants to rub it all over my face, doesn't he?

As Nate stops to tie his shoe I wonder where my locker's at. Is it the third or second isle? Even if I knew where the hell it was located it's not like I know the combination. Eh, I'll ask-

"Miley! Are you trying to scare the ovaries out of me? I need those." She pulls me to the third isle of lockers.

"He's not coming with us after school is he?" I nod. "_Alex _you know I wanted us to be alone. So we can _talk_." She trails her thumb lightly over my bottom lip. I tilt my head a little to the left and notice the object of my affections trying to play it cool pretending to be rummaging through her locker.

"I'm not spending any time alone with you Miley. He's coming and you'll love it." As I tap her back lovingly her body shakes in a loud growl. "Oh, and you left your delicates at my house."

"I'll pick them up today after I drop Nate off." Hell no, i don't need to spend another day with her panties.

"You sure you don't want me to drop 'em off tomorrow? Your dad gets out at seven, right?" Miley smiles exaggerated demonstrating how little humor she found in my comment.

"You're not serious, Alex." I laugh and glide away from the girl. I'm such a tease. "Alex, come-" Needless to say I didn't expect her to lunge at me like chinchilla in heat, knock me over, and land on Mitchie's soft and plump butt. Please don't fart!

"Shit! You did that on purpose, Miley."

Why is Nate talking? He has mouthwash in his mouth. Well he _had_. That only means one thing, he spilled it…but not on me so-

"My eyes!" I quickly climb off Mitchie and of course I cope a feel on the way up.

"Are you-" In a matter of seconds Mitchie embodies Mike Tyson and starts swinging everywhere. And I mean everywhere. Nate's testicles, Miley's stomach and well my right eye. I merely fell to the floor sobbing.

* * *

"How many fingers do you see?" What kind of question is that, I'm not mentally handicapped. Wait, where are they?

"Well if you would turn the fucking lights on I would see, don't you think?"

"I have to say, I'm very disappointed in how you have acted out young lady... I'm over here." Is he talking to me?

"I didn't do anything!"

"I'm not talking to you, shut it." Ouch.

"Detention, right?" Miley asks. There's no mistaking that damn hick. Of course we have detention.

"I'm disappointed in all of you. All the poor people in Africa and you guys use our academic campus to engage in these fights. I don't even want to ask _you _what you were doing in a young women's fight."

"Trust me this is not how I imagined a foursome."

"Screw you, Nate. This is the closest you'll get anyway."

"You're lucky you only have two eyes, bitch." Fuck this I don't need eyes to beat Nate's eyes. I try to lunge at where his voice is coming from but someone holds on to me.

"Who the hell is holding me back?" I will kick the principal's ass.

"Sit down, Alexandra! Out of all my years directing this school I have never seen this. All the poor people in Africa strive-"

"Why don't you move to Africa if you love it so fucking much?"

"Detention! _All of you_ three weeks of lunch and after school detention. You miss a single day of it and I will make sure to expel you from this school. And one more thing..."

_Don't _ say africa

**I'll dedicate this chapter to LEATHERnGOLD because her ( I hope you're a girl) reviews are so cute and make me gag myself just because how happy I get. Thanks for reading.**


	6. Raincheck

Raincheck

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"One would think that now that you have a car you would drive it to school." Mom replies annoyed. Last night was her anniversary with my father and I decided to buy her an iPhone because her Nokia would only let you talk thirty seconds before it hung up.

Dad decided that he would make a party to celebrate nineteen years of marriage and invited everyone in the family. The best party we've had in a long time, but mom was too mesmerized with the iPhone. Mom, having to fart but being to lazy to get up, decided that the music of the iPhone was loud enough. What she failed to realize was that she had headphones on and we all heard it.

I don't know why she's overreacting. I thought it was hilarious.

"What are you going to do to protest, start a farting campaign?" The lady swung her arms at me forgetting entirely about the steering wheel. "I was kidding." She failed to oblige and kept on trying to hit me as the car was about to swerve a pedestrian. "Mom!" She changes her focus on the wheel.

"What the hell is this bitch doing on the road?" She yells. I turn my eyes to the left and feast my eyes upon a bewildered Mitchie. I only say bewildered because there must be an explanation why she's not glaring at me.

"Mom, what the hell? That's my girlfrie- some bitch at my school."

"Hold on Alex I'm going to run over this bitch."

Mom, we're still paying child support for the kids of all those illegal immigrants you ran over the last Cinco de Mayo." Liquor does terrible things to my family.

"Shit!" Mom lowers the windows on my side and puts on what she assumes is a kind face.

"Mom what did we say about the pedophile smile?"

"I am so sorry, I must have forgotten my glasses. How are you? You ok?"

"Yes, I'm actua-"

"I got hit by a car once. Wasn't so lucky. That bastard hit me right in the vagina. The doctor told me I wouldn't have babies and made me stop taking the pill...that bastard."

"What the he-"

"Anyway, Alex told me you went to school with her. Jump in." Hecks yeah!

"Actually, I'm just-"

"Honey, we're on our way there." Please don't make her get angry.

"No."

"GET. IN." Mom hisses. Well, well, well. Mitchie actually gets in. I turn around to say hello when I notice her fidgeting with the silver band on her finger. Bitch, that better not be a purity ring unless she wants to walk the rest of the way to school.

Just take a deep breath Alex. You had a purity ring when you were ten too. Wow, where the hell is that ring?

I just need to calm down. Let me turn on the radio. Ugh, Taylor Swift. I do love her music but she just looks like a cat and I hate cats.

Now this is what I'm talking about. 'Teach Me How To Dougie' is my jam.

"So..what's your name, honey?"

"Mitchie." I raise the volume to see if mom understands that I do not want her to talk to Mitchie at all.

"As in Michelle, right?"

I raise the volume even further and mom stops the car annoyed.

"What kind of bullshit music is this, and who the fuck is dougie."

"It is not bullshit, mom. You're just mad no one wants to teach you how to dougie." I slam the door shut as we're already in school and open Mitchie's door.

"Doggy?" I sigh at the woman. "Alex you get back here and you tell me what this 'doggy' thing is. It better not be what I think it is." Mitchie quickly climbs off the car. " Alex, if I find out you are having anal sex I will run you over with a lawnmower and feed you to our starving family back in Mexico."

"Bye mom!" Mitchie thinks she'll get away from me but I semi-sprint to her side. "Hey. Look, I'm really sorry that you went through that."

"I bet."

"Seriously. I owe you one." Which way is she going?

"..."

"Maybe I should make it up to you somehow."

"..."

"If you're not busy this week...then maybe you'd like to-"

"Get to class, ladies. We don't need any more detention. " Nate wraps his hands around Mitchie and I. That kid sure is something else. At this rate I'll never ask her out.

"Guys, wait up." I turn around and try to ignore Miley. "Hey you."

"...sup." Fuck you Mitchie and your rapid moving legs. How the hell am I supposed to catch you?

"Slow down. We'll make it on time."

Once again proving that Miley is and will always be a murphy; the bell rings. I look in her direction but the rest of the group sprints toward Mr. Otero's class.

"Mitchie, Alex, Miley and...you. All late once again." We all walk straight past him and sit in our respective seats.

"So how's it going with Mitchie?" Miley smirks as if she knew what was going on. As is she thought I was failing.

"Great."

"Oh come on. Can you stop ignoring me?"

"I'm talking to you. That isn't ignoring."

"You're giving me short answers. And you're pissed at me."

"I'm not pissed Miley." I'm just ...oh fuck it. I'm pissed.

"I bet you probably think it's my fault she won't pay attention to you."

"You don't know what you're talking about. She is all over me." In some way.

"Sure." Miley Snickers towards Nate and he of course does the same too.

"She is!...It's just. She's playing hard to get...you know what they say about playing hard to get-"

"It makes it easy to get hard?" Nate is an idiot.

"You can get as hard as you can but with that dandruff you are getting nada." Nate frowns and I can hear Mr. Otero trying to get our attention but only laugh.

"I do not have dandruff."

"Mitchie." Mr. Otero calls but the girl is too entertained fantasising about me to know what's going on.

"It's called head and shoulders, Nate." Before i know it Mr. Otero is creeping over me with a glare and the whole class stops talking. All except Nate who has taken over Miley's mirror.

"Do I really have dandruff?"

"All four of you-" He takes a deep breath. "MITCHIE!" Look at that sexy face. Only Mitchie could look that hot after a nap. Wait till she sees how comfy my bed is. Wait, no it's not. That shit is probably stuffed with river rocks. "All four of you will do a presentation for fifty percent of your grade. Every time I'm talking I can only hear you. You," He points at Mitchie. "Are never awake. Alex and Miley are always flirting and you-" Now he points at Nate. "I just hate you."

Damn it all. I actually had a B in this class. I turn to give Miley one of my worst glares and notice that Mitchie has gone back to sleep. The nerve on that girl.

* * *

"That asshole, I can't stand him at all."

"You know you did provoke him." A whole week away from Harper because of the whole book charade passed and all she does is blame me for something that wasn't at all my fault. What a friend.

"Shut the hell up Harper. No one gives a crap about what you think."

"I missed you too, Alex." I shouldn't have forgiven her in the first place.

"Stop giving her crap. Mitchie's the one who swears she's sleeping beauty." Nate's nostrils hover over Miley.

"You smell that? Smells like jealousy." If not, then it sure seems like she's jealous. Miley's feelings have endured our breakup, of that I'm sure. Yet, she doesn't own me. I don't even own myself.

"Why don't you mind your own business and get some Head n' Shoulders"

"I swear you two will end up married with children."

"Bitch." By this time jealousy is probably stinking up the room. Making me the source. The sole thought of photograph of Nate and Miley's children hung effortlessly on the wall rose my temperature. Miley doesn't even like kids.

"Just get the hell out Harper."

"Fine, but just so you know-" She drags me out of Nate's car by the hand. I try and burn a hole trough her head but it's effortless.

"You know that would piss me off, Harper."

"You're not going to get anything with from Mitchie if your guard dog is around you all the time, Alex. I'm not reading the book and even I knew that."

"She's not my gau-" But she's had enough with my meaningless words and just leaves. It's not as if I don't know that. I just want to have a back-up plan. What if I'm really just meant to be with Miley. I don't' want to push her away and then be without neither.

Miley did cause me a lot of sleepless nights, though. Besides, she's very indecisive. Even if I were to magically forget all she's done to me, I'm not about to just give up on Mitchie. She's my number one priority right now.

That settles it, I'll have to listen to Harper. I'll get Miley off my back...when Mitchie's near.

"Look who's here." The boy teases in a singsong voice.

Damn, Mitchie has a freaking sweater on. How the hell am I supposed to stare at her tata's?

"You're here." not knowing what to do with myself I clap like a pathetic circus monkey yet, that goes unnoticed by the recent pitch of my voice.

"Unfortunately." Monotonous.

"Let's just get in the car. Nate's house is a bit close but I'm not a walker." Bored glance.

Damn it, I wish she could stop playing hard to get. If it weren't because I saw her leaving her notebook with my own two eyes I would never think those words were hers. I do know she likes me but damn, is she an actress or something?

"Get in!"

* * *

Look at her. Is it even possible to be that hot?

"Alex stop staring. You're freaking me out."

"Why I'm not looking at you. Why are you here again?" I thought we had made it clear.

"I was bored, ok."

"Well you're not helping out with our project."

"All you're doing is gluing things together. I could do that." Gluing is not such an easy process sometimes you get glue on your lips. It's not so easy.

"Well you're not doing it. I am."

"Alex stop it. I don't know how you're still friends with her, honestly." I continued gluing the information to the cardboard and flicked Miley at the same time.

"This is so freaking retarded. Why can I do any research?"

"Because last time you were here you gave left my laptop with a whole army of Trojans." That whore! Why the hell would he say that in front of Mitchie. Now she's going to think I'm some sort of insatiable pervert, which I am. But, I didn't want her to know that.

"Sure, just act like you weren't part of it." I walk over to the computer desk where Mitchie's sitting. "You need help?"

"Sure. Can you actually paste-"

"I mean some real help. I'm tired of gluing stuff." She swivels to face me. Her face completely annoyed.

"No." She turns back to the laptop and continues googling her ass away.

"So...Do you have a Facebook?"

She takes a deep breath an shakes her head.

"Twitter?"

"Yes."

"Ooh, can I follow you?" I wonder what her name is. I bet its something kinky. It's probably something like upmybuttt13. 199spankme but pronounced "nineteen-ninety spank me.

"Don't you do that already?" Ouch.

"Kids, dinner." Thank You Mrs. Grey for always making things less awkward. Something your son fails at.

"Come on guys. I'm starving." Nate and the rest of us walk to the dinner table yet Mitchie stays on the computer behind. I take notice of this and enter the room again.

"Not hungry? I can stay if-"

"Alex, there's mashed potatoes." Mashed potatoes? What the hell am I doing standing here? I quickly sprint away from Nate's room.

Fuck, Nate took my chair.

"Hi honey." Mrs. Grey smiles and I can see there's an empty chair next to her. "I served you your own plate." She takes the lid off the plate next to her and I place a big fat kiss on her cheek.

"Love you." She also knows I can't eat mashed potatoes with a traditional spoon. She bought me my own one.

"Where's mine?" Gloria swifts forty-five degrees to give her son a glare.

"I pushed you out of my vagina and you're too lazy to serve yourself some dinner?"

Miley chokes on her potatoes with tears about to fall while Harper just giggles. I, on the other hand was used to this.

"So...Alex. How's your mommy?"

"A little mad."

"It's a shame. I thought your gift was sweet"

"For mothers day I'm thinking of getting her a trip to Arizona. As you know, I was born there. She never really got to enjoy her visit there."

"Aw." I love this lady. Sometimes I'll waste my whole day asking myself why she can by mom.

"Mom, what did you do the mother's day after I was born?"

"Got my tubes tied."

"Gee, thanks." Nate rises out of the chair and marches to his room.

Miley looks at me expectantly yet, I only stuff the rest of my mouth with green peas. He'll be ok.

"Maybe I should go see-"

"Oh, no. He's not mad about what I told him. Gay guys are like that at this age."

Is this where Nate gets all his idiocy from? "Nate's not gay. We dated."

"Oh, come on. His ass is so far back in the closet he's probably discovered Narnia." Dear God. Gloria is becoming a loony.

"Oh, I always liked those books."

* * *

Gloria and I have always been closer than Gloria and her own son. She was actually the first one who I told about Miley and I. She was just happy that there was no chance between Nate and I. She said that seeing us kissing made her think of incest. Nate and I didn't show too much public affection in front of her, if any. Therefore I ask myself; what was she doing watching me make out with her son?

As creepy as that is, I let it go and continue to talk to my favorite adult.

"So you like that girl? I mean she's a little emo...ish." The glare I gave her made her lower her head a little.

"She's not emo. She's just...Mitchie." What a terrible way to defend her.

"Mitchie. Such a cheery name for such a-" I gave her the Mitchie glare again hoping to stop her. "Well damn it, she is boring-looking. So unlike Mi..."

"Yes, unlike Miley. What can I do, have a threesome with both? I wish."

I've never seen her eyes lit up as bright as they are right now. "You know I had a threesome once, with my first two roommates back in UCLA."

"I though your roommate was Bob and his girlfriend at the time."

"That's how we met." I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

"That I could have lived without knowing." I pat the woman's back and stroll to Nate's room.

Walking in the room the first thing I spot is an awkwardly positioned circled made up of Nate, Mitchie, Miley and Harper. Inside the circle is the oh-so cliche glass bottle effortlessly spinning. I immediately push Miley out of the way to sit across from Mitchie.

"My turn." I spin the bottle rapidly and remove my hand to cross my fingers. Please lord let me just get Mitchie. If for some reason I get Harper, I'll kill myself. The glass keeps on pointing at everyone in the circle and finally lands on Nate.

"Boo, I've already made out with you."

Miley, ever so coquette leans into me and whispers, "Give it another try and maybe you'll get lucky."

"Yeah, I'll have to take a rain-check on that." My hands press against her to try and push her away from me.

"It's time for me to get going...bye." Mitchie her bag to leave. Of course prince Charming offers to take her but I learn to use the "Mitchie glare" to my advantage and get him to back away.

"I'll walk you." I say walking after her.

"It's ok I live-"

"I'll walk you. I kind of have something to ask you."

"Ok...?"

Dear god what did I get myself into? Ever since we walked out of Nate's house I haven't been able to say a word. And Mitchie! The silence that falls from her lips kills me! The only sound I can hear right now is the squeeking of my shoes against the pavement. Freaking Wal-Mart shoes!

Let me just relax. It's not Megan freaking FireFox. It's only Mitchie. Mitchie likes me. She'll probably melt when I ask her out. l

"So..."

Mitchie stares blankly in my direction before biting her bottom lip and looking away. Oh god she bit her lip. That totally means she likes me. It has to be some freaking code for something. No one just randomly bites their lips for no reason. There is something called Chapstick, but her lips look fucking moist. She bit her lips because she wants me. It's a given.

"So."

"Sorry about my mom almost running you over." I try to push Mitchie lightheartedly but only receive one of her infamous glares. Oh Mitchie, i know you're just playing hard to get.

"Well maybe your mom should have been paying attention to where she was going, usually someone is walking...somewhere...like we are now."

"Hah, Don't mind her she was just pissed see yesterday she farted...You don't care do you?"

Mitchie stops in her tracks before raising a eyebrow at me,"Uh..no,not really, and her farting caused her to almost run me down?"

"That's um. that's not the reason I wanted to uh..talk with you. I just um.-" Mitchie stop in her tracks again and I only notice when she's like several steps behind. "Why'd you stop?"

"This is my house" Motherfucker! I have no time. It's now or never, I don't want her to see me as a lame-ass who's scared to ask her out.

"Oh."

"Yeah, so.." Mitchie looks up at her door before maneuvering towards the steps as Alex follows. "So what did you want to talk about?"

"Well, I've just been wondering If you're not busy sometime..."

"I'm always busy, but if you'd want to plan a day for when your mom wants to run me over again..." Mitchie steps up to her house door, searching for her keys.

"Mitchie"

"Alex."

"I was just wondering if...well if you'd like to kinda...go out..with me sometime.." I did it!

Mitchie raises her eyebrow. "As in a date..or something?"

"Yes. A date." I exhales deeply. This isn't "Who wants to be a Millionaire," just answer.

"You see Alex, I'm sure you're a great person somehow and I even appreciate you following me all the way from Nate's house. I really do but...no."

"Wha-"

"Have a great night."

* * *

**Finally an update. Damn that took long!**


	7. New Approach

_Women won't tell you how they are. You have to discover it. America didn't give Cristopher Colombus a ten-hour speech on how to find it. He simply did._

"Makes sense. I do have a question, though." Doesn't the boy always have questions for everything?

"That would be..."

"Why is it that you have to read this. You're a girl. Don't you automatically know what girls want?"

"Unfortunately not all girls think alike. Specially Mitchie."

He nods wanting to drop the subject. "...Can we just skip school today? Aeropostale has a sale on pants today." I throw the book haphazardly into my locker and shut it.

"We'll go after school, damn it." I mumble exasperated.

"Fine..."

Fortunately, today has gone by pretty normal. No one has dared to ask what happened between Mitchie and me last night.

"So what happened between Mitchie and you last night?" My life is full of dramatical ironies.

"Hmm? Did you say something?"

"Yeah, what happene-"

"Look there's Miley." As if on cue, Miley clumsily balances her books and her monster of a purse. Snickering to myself I grab the books off her hand.

"Thank You." She smiles whilst rearranging her purse on her shoulder. "Aren't you nice today? Did you like...get a date from..." Oh god, not her too.

"Let's just go to class."

A bouncy Miley follows me to class giggling. It's obvious that I'm annoyed. However, the southern beauty is too satisfied to care. I can even feel her smize, as Tyra Banks would put it, burning the back of my head.

"What?"

"Did she accept? Did she invite you inside for some hot lesbian sex? Was she better than me?" A Jealous Miley is typically a turn on, however; this is just a little bit sad. Not because my infatuation with Mitchie was new, but because I got nowhere with her.

"No. She's still obsessed with playing hard to get." I try to keep my face as nonchalant as possible. How could someone ever swallow that bitter lie?

"Maybe she has a high self-esteem." Nate offers.

"What?"

"Look the only reason Mitchie didn't accept is because she is probably too shocked to have someone asking her emo-ass out on a date."

"_Perhaps _it's because I'm smart enough to realize your egoistical intentions. You don't want a girl who has an ounce of gray matter, you want a girl to open her legs faster than you can say 'Peanut butter.'"

"That's a rather long—"

"And I don't know how this is going to fit inside your ginormous egoistical brain of yours, but perhaps you simply do not measure up the type of person I would like to spend a minute with, much less have a relationship."

The silence in the room was deafening and my body trembled from resentment. My tank of patience was about to explode and I strode towards the wooden door smashing it against the frame upon my exit. The hours after the incident flew before my eyes.

"You finally giving up on her?"

"I wasn't even thinking about that."

"Ok…so are you giving up on her? "

"No. I'm just going to use a different approach."

"What are you going to do?" He asked almost too intrigued.

"What I should have done from the beginning."

* * *

I have no excuse for my delay. Punish me. Press the review button.


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